This Bar Needs Better Lighting

The last thing I noticed
is the vodka spritzer in your hand
As you lowered yourself down
like your wings were just made gossamer

The leather beneath you sighed and fanned itself
from the fire that just tumbled out of your gaze,
counting the number of people
that you will ignore

I won’t ignore you
or your face kneaded
into milk dough
I felt like a unwanted crease

Your face lit up
from the notification in front of you
Cackle after a giggle
after twin smiles

Those other men stopped looking then
because their lust doesn’t like human
Mine craves the familiar, like a morning brew with eggs
I’ve lingered and lusted long enough now

Back to my cubicle
Sparring with all my other neighbors
On who will concede defeat
and look at you again first.

Three’s Island

The height and breadth is enough for me
I have chains for veins, I’m alone in this galley
Home vanished three hundred miles ago
My sunny Spain dies there daily

The captain calls out that the island is nigh
He has chains for veins, he’s alone in this galley
There will be milk and honey on the island
my tomb and future

The judge back home slammed the gavel on her heart
He has chains for veins, he’s alone in this galley
My sunny Spain sentenced to glue together the shards and pieces
Before taken away, my last tears she used to seal shut her cell

The milk is sour, the honey is sandpaper at my throat
The judge gavels me, the captain howls, I pick at my chains all day
Sunny Spain dies at home, while I live life away from her
I have chains for veins, I’m kept company on this island

 

Only Love at This Height

as I fly, my shoulders stay warm
by this blanket of light
a heart beat becomes a breath
unfolding through the blanket’s glow
there’s no end in sight at this height
this blanket will be a mother’s womb
and a teacher’s class
a waiting room to receive comfort
and free notes handed out to teach me love

Hello. It’s Me. You’re Googling Me ahead of An Interview.

Yeah. I write. Yeah. I have made music, produced journalism, and created videos. I write fiction, poetry, essays, and opinion pieces.
Yeah. I have diverse interests. Yeah. I have tried out a lot of things and it’s all over the Internet.

I’m not ashamed of it and I will never take anything down. It’s the totality of who I am and my journey in understanding what I want to do in life.

One day, when I grow up, I want to be a polymath. I want to be good at many things and maybe a few of them will be my career(s), hobbies, or just serious hobbies. I strive to be a voracious reader, a professional learner, and a faithful liver.

So. Does this bother you? Do you question my qualifications, character, intentions, motivations?

Yeah? Cool.

I am not a linear equation.

If you want one, just put my application aside.

Don’t Slay Me

Message me tonight

Tell me that you can’t do it

because I want to tell you

That there’s a riot going on in my heart

voices hoarse because of you

my heart sore because there’s no you

bringing peace to the disorder

I dream about moving hair away from your eyes

I want to look into them

and see where my place is in them

You told me to surrender

and I have

I have acquiesced to you, the impostor

You may come now into this old hardened castle

with rotten moats and dying doors

Don’t slay me unless you’re going to kiss me

Don’t end me unless you will fall into my arms to celebrate

Don’t smother me unless you will pour sex into my pores

Don’t bury me unless you carve your bed into my chest

I publish on Mondays and Wednesdays poems, short stories, and personal essays.

 

The Horse and the Rat (a fable)

The Owner woke up, eyes still heavy and mind still clunky, at the call of the Horse and Rat. He always wondered if they were happy to see him or just happy, knowing their plates are about to be filled.

Two plates filled and laid down, at opposite ends of the porch. The Horse vaccuumed up the food within minutes. The Rat just stared at his plate. Stared, then shook, then pattered his feet around the plate, then stared again.

The Horse sat after he finished and stared at the Rat. At first, the Owner chased away the Horse, so that the Rat could eat in peace. The Horse dragged his feet around the corner and sat.

But the Rat continued to shake and growl. He was fixed in his place, his body wracked by an enemy not there. The Owner sat down by the Rat and tried to feed him pellets from his hand. The Rat would take it, with the tenderness of a surgeon in front of an open heart, and just lay it by the plate.

The Owner stepped away to sit with the Horse, as the Rat growled and barked and shook until the plate was taken away from him. He neither ate or saw the face of his aggressor.


Fear is paralysis and makes us deluded. We shake in our boots, while often there is no enemy and there is no one to rob us of anything. The enemy is in our minds and we waste an opportunity, to live, to eat, to enjoy, to make something out of our lives. I’m sure we were robbed or roughed up at some point, but those people are long gone. And all we have left is our fear and an empty stomach.

 

Keep Your Eyes Peeled

It started when I looked at the sky. It was sunset and it had just rained. Light, over where I was, had started to dim, as if someone was sinking into their sheets for some night-time reading.

I saw clouds. Clouds, at first. Then, I saw fluffy wisps of thick mush, crafted into sky meringues. Then, I saw freshly lit coals become embers, except that they were suspended from, tacked against a salmon-pink sky. Then I told my friends to come out and look. “Embers! Look at the clouds, they look like embers.”

They didn’t see them. They just saw clouds.

Thirty minutes prior, I was looking through a friend’s art, an art gallery balancing on my lip. I savored the moment, just looking deep into this well. It could have been thirty minutes or a mere eternity, I wasn’t sure.

Then, I drove home. My eyes had just been freshly peeled. I saw light yellow skies by the highway. Clouds again like meringue, shades of waning orange and red and yellow, somehow degrading upwards toward the cosmos. And as I drove further down the road, around the bends, and onto the main highway that would take me home, the world swelled up and exploded up in size, beyond the my awareness of my body, occupying space, my thoughts soaking up every minute of my consciousness. All I could see was the pastiche of thick, rich colors, splattered upon the skies, lit by the setting sun. Clouds shaped like rice noodles wrapped around a chopstick, like icing coming out of a funnel onto a cupcake, like fresh toothpaste. Nothing mattered other than this ebb and tide of color, crashing down on me, but the crash not leaving marks or scars or wounds.

“Beauty. I’m seeing beauty. My brain is opening up!” I told myself.

As more minutes whizzed past me, I turned off at the exit. The skies were much darker than on the highway.

I was home, under the night’s darkness, but not cut off from the beauty.

 

Dear Now Married,

Dear Now Married,

Yesterday was Christmas day and I was thumbing through the writings of ten years ago, seeing what I could work on or not. Ten years ago would have meant our first holiday season together — a meeting of families, traditions, maybe even lips.

I found all the pieces that I wrote about you, the factual, the mythical, the imagined, and the experienced. I kept it all, like a hardened archaelogist.
Until last night. Last night, I let go of your remaining fossils in my life.

I loved you until I had to stop because I meant nothing to you. I was a melting bug on your windscreen, as you raced past me to reach your husband. You lied to me. I drank up to ease the pain. You told me that you had been hurt too much and you could never trust anyone again. I was foolish enough to think that that was the truth. I just was a bug, not a lover to you.

You taught me that to love is to believe and create and wait and hope and listen and give. The classroom was the time spent together, where I played no games and spun no lies. I did everything I could to bond with you. When I graduated, I made you a small book, filled with our words, memories, your face, and my love. I found that book the other day. I uncovered that heart I used to have, the heart whose teeth were cut on your rejection.

Yeah. Hindsight’s knowledge would have told me then that you were never into me. I’m glad you weren’t. You would have left me when I would have committed to you further. All my love, as innocent and child-like as it was, was never returned or valued then.

Here’s the twist. That heart I found? I didn’t lament over its death and push its coffin back underneath my bed.
I took it out and placed it again deep behind my ribs. I’m quiet with resolve that I will be that guy again.
I will love again and make libraries out of this healing heart.

Merry Christmas, Now Married. I hope you find love.

 

The Girl Likes Joints

Through her fingers, as she explained why she chose shit brown and blood red, I saw the strokes and they made no sense to me. I was standing an inch away from her, her syrupy voice lining my ears. I looked at it again and I made out, in no particular order, silently to myself, a disfigured human, an angry cloud, and the insides of a colon.

“I don’t understand it, but I guess that’s me, not the piece.”

A smile blossomed out of her mouth. “I don’t hear that all the time,” she said. “Most people don’t know what to do with something they don’t understand.” I chose honesty over trying to do something about the fiery energy jumping off her and latching onto every square of my flesh.

“Explain it to me again,” I strained out, while looking at the piece again. “Maybe there’s a Jackson Pollack in this and I just don’t see it.”

Her eyes sucked out the white in her face. She blushed and threw her eyes down. “Uh, thank you… that’s a pretty big thing to say.”

I examined her face like a pathologist. The red in her cheeks was still there. An island-shaped mole by her lower lip, sapphire eyes, and a slender neck presented themselves as evidence. She held an intense gaze, eyes that stood still and wholesome like icicles on a glacier. I finished the report with this conclusion: I need to throw my own weight behind my own gaze into hers.

“Is this piece about intimacy?” I said as solemn as solemn could, to the painting. I turned to look at her.

“OK, this is freaky, NO ONE has ever said that or picked up on that!”

Some other attendees threw short, startled looks her way. She resolved the awkwardness by giving them their back and folding her arms, as she stared at her own piece, as if she was as disinterested and faking it as them.

“Sorry about that. Uhm… I just don’t get people who come here and figure things out.”

”I can’t be the only person.”

“You ARE the only person.”

“Don’t be sorry anyway,” I chuckled, “tell me more.”

The car wheels in the distance ran their crevices through the wet streets, like children running fingers in a stream. She, Max Langford, told me about her first and final lover, who held her one night after they had told each other I love you’s. A long embrace turned into the grabbing of her body, then her mouth, then her arms pinned down, then a taking of their love without her yes. We walked, as if in a moving lunch line, towards nowhere.

“At some point… I sat in front of the canvas because it was prettier to look at than every other therapist I had to endure,” Max mused, with bland whites in her eyes.

“That’s just beyond fucked up.”

She kneaded her lips into a thanks, then looked down. She rubbed her arms with her hands, as she looked straight ahead. “Well.”

“I mean, you’re here… you made it through.”

“Yeah,” she said, “and now I pick up guys for coffee after exhibitions.”

I was fooled for a moment by the steel in her voice. Some woman I just met told me about her story of horror. I decided to play along.

“That’s an honorable profession.”

She smiled, as if a sun imploded in her chest. “You’re a funny guy.”

“Thanks. I judge women on their taste in coffee, by the way”

She was declared innocent, as the waiters brought us a third round and she went further into the piece of art that brought about this night. Every minute of explanation made me want to see it again… and her, too. The light against the oak counter, from the Regolit floor lamp, onto a row of pots of tulips, threw a warm glow across Max’s face.

“You’re different.”

“How do you mean?”

“You haven’t pulled a move or said something suggestive.”

“I like you. Isn’t that enough for now?”

I thought I had seen every type of smile there is, but I now saw a new one.

“Bullshit. Smooth talker!”

That steel again. But, it doesn’t seem so reinforced this time.

“It’s da troof.”

“What?”

“Oh, truth… nevermind.”

“No, tell me!”

“OK, well, like, not everyone in England speaks prim and proper, so in London –“

“Oh, like Cockney people! I get it!”

Cockney people. She’s adorable. And she’s travelled.

“Sorry, it just didn’t hit me and no one usually makes those kind of jokes around these parts.”

“Around these parts, Humphrey Bogart?”

“Shut up!” and she grabbed my arm, by the elbow. And she stopped to look at my elbow, and my arm. She maintained her grip and drew herself down to my shoulder, resting her head sideways as she looked down.

“I should fear these moments,” she said.

“I understand.”

She pivoted on my shoulder and looked up at me. “Do you?”

“Yeah.”

Our gazes met and stood still. I counted 30 veins in her iris before she turned back to rest her head on my shoulder. She picked herself up to be close to me. The sexual energy was still there, but it was simmering quietly, out of harm’s way, on the back burner.

“I fear these moments, too,” I creaked after I motioned away a tired waiter.

“Why?”

“That there will only be one of them.”

She moved her hand to my thigh, by my knee. She rested it. I moved mine. I put it on top.

“There will be more.”

She kissed my shoulder.

On Lady Macbeth

During Act III of Macbeth, the play shifts its course slightly; we see Macbeth no longer succumbing to Lady Macbeth’s provocative speeches and plans. Now, Macbeth has taken control of the situation, as his speeches are a lot more powerful and contain more than just confusion or remorse. In the scene with the Murderers, we see him as a devious persuader who convinces the men to kill Banquo. Meanwhile, especially in the Banquet scene, Lady Macbeth is portrayed as a wife who wants to keep the guests entertained and when she does speak to Macbeth, she wants to forget about the death of Duncan and her speeches themselves show traces of denial and some elements of fear. Thus, it is evident in Macbeth’s speeches that he is taking control of the situation at hand and is responsible for the actions made, while Lady Macbeth’s speeches show less involvement and importance in the plot at this stage.

The first two major occurrences where we see Lady Macbeth greatly influence Macbeth’s actions is when she waits for him to come back after the slaughter of Duncan and fainting when Macbeth’s motives were about to be put to the test. As she waits for Macbeth, she opens the scene with the soliloquy “That which hath made me drunk hath me bold” and lines 7–11 show that she has planned every detail of Duncan’s murder and she doesn’t care what happens to them; a part of her perhaps cold and evil behavior. When Macbeth returns and talks about the “noises” or signs that he has done something dreadfully wrong, she merely says, “These deeds must not thought after these ways, so it will make us mad” She does not let it bother her; what is done is done. Later on, before they go to sleep, she boldly tells Macbeth to go asleep such that nobody would notice they are awake; she wants to keep this whole issue under control and Macbeth, for that matter.

Again, Lady Macbeth takes hold of the situation when she “supposedly” faints in Act III: iii. In lines 135–137 of Macbeths preceding speech, “Who could refrain that had a heart to love, and in the heart courage to make love’s known?” Lady Macbeth instantly senses that Macbeth might admit to Duncan’s murder to live the suggested honorable courage in his speech because she probably knew that he could be carried away by the moment.

However, all of this changes in Act III of the play. In Act III:I, p. 85, Macbeth’s soliloquy shows that he has started to doubt Banquo’s character and whether he could trust him or not. By the end of the speech, lines 75–77, we see Macbeth has already decided to kill Banquo and states that he was destined by fate to resort to such extremity by killing anyone being a threat to his regency.

Later on the scene, when Macbeth meets with the Murderers, he skilfully convinces them that “that is was [Banquo], in the times past, which held you so under fortune, which you thought had been our innocent self” He makes it clear to them that by killing Banquo, their revenge would be fulfilled and they cannot wait any longer, “having their patience so predominant in their nature that they can let this go.” Also, when he senses on p. 89 that the First Murderer is showing some doubt in sacrificing their lives for killing Banquo in line 145, he quickly changes the subject and says that their courage enlightens them for doing this.

As Macbeth goes on to meet Lady Macbeth, he assures her that “we have only scorched the snake, not killed it”. His tone is self-realized and assured; he warns Lady Macbeth of this act of horror by killing the king will always haunt them. When he mentions to her that something dreadful is about to happen and she questions what it is, he calmly tells her, “Be innocent of the knowledge, dearest chuck, til thou applaud the deed”. This could perhaps signify that Macbeth knows Lady Macbeth has some kind of evil tendencies and that she would enjoy or rejoice some deed of this sort. This also asserts that Macbeth has the upper hand in this situation and there on, while Lady Macbeth would symbolize the ideal wife who gives him a pat on the back for “what he did at work today”.

This phenomenon is also observed in the banquet setting, where the whole scene revolves around a main Macbeth and a supporting Lady Macbeth. When Macbeth starts to see the ghost of Banquo, he is thrown into a fit of near delirium and hysteria, and cannot control the flow of actions or speech. Lady Macbeth tries to please her guests and keep them calm, like in line 65–67,”Pray you, keep seat. The fit is momentary; upon a thought, he will again be well”. One can tell that Macbeth’s apparent visions of the ghost and its accompanying speeches reverberate greatly on the guests, as Lennox curiously wants to know what Macbeth sees, as shown in line 142–143 on p. 107. However, Macbeth does at one point realize that his guests are rather disturbed by his behavior and asks them not to “muse at me, my most worthy friends… Come, love and health to all…Give me some wine. Fill full”.

Macbeth has brought the dinner atmosphere back to a jovial and pleasant mood again when they toast. Lady Macbeth, in all of this, is silent and tries to pacify Macbeth’s erratic behavior. At the end of the scene, Macbeth is determined to find out his fate from the Weird Sisters because he knows that he is too far now in his quest for power and that nothing can bring him back to being good. All that Lady Macbeth replies with is that you definitely need some sleep, honey.

Thus, by the end of Act III, the crown of control has been passed over from Lady Macbeth to Macbeth. No longer just being confused and easily swayed, there is determination and realization in his voice, while Lady Macbeth is simply there to support him. If Macbeth cannot turn back to goodness and Lady Macbeth does show some sign of denial and regret. Why cannot she convince him to turn back?

I wrote this in high school.

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