Category: Clippings

Original video in Egyptian Arabic: https://fb.watch/nCBonC2nJU/

“My problem is that… I [viewer who sent in question] don’t have a problem.
My problem is that I have a man in my life, but he’s not really there.
My problem is that he’s trying to be present in his own way.
He sends me one or two texts a day, barely calling me once a day to check in and see how I am.
Presents are few and far between… not on all occasions. He hasn’t even gotten me flowers, despite the amount of time [we’ve been together].
Minimum effort is spent on communication, just to keep the relationship going.
One day has I love yous… ten days follow without it.
So, thinking about it all… I realized that I really don’t have a problem, but I really feel that I’m not in a real relationship.
I tell him, Should I leave? he says, No. I ask him, should we end this? He says, no need.
I tell him, I don’t want this, he says I love you. And then I go back and the same story over again.
So.. my problem is that this relationship is lukewarm.
What do you think? What should I do?

So, I [host] spent some time thinking. I won’t tell you what I would do if I was in your shoes, but I will tell you what I think, my opinion I mean. The way I see it… there’s a man who’s afraid to lose you and there’s a man who likes to keep you around because you’re a safe bet. He’s got an agenda, a checklist – appearance, religion, values, success, money, the way you carry yourself. It’s all with the [mind], it’s all logical. And his family will tell him, Look. If you leave here, you won’t find anyone else like her. Easy-going, meek, simple, she’s got a good job, her family have money, she won’t make lots of demands on you, easy to have things on your own terms, c’mon, she’s such a nice girl. You can tell her, don’t go out, don’t go there, wear that red veil or don’t, she loves you and is under your command… you see. All up here… ? He’s doing all this with you logically. So, that’s why he deals with you like this, logically, cerebrally. He’s got you on breadcrumbs, he’s got minimum effort invested. His mind is telling him… ‘Keep her around.. and keep her around with your head on your shoulders. This is the man who keeps you around because you’re a safe bet.

<repeat of she’s an easy-going girl and she can be controlled and influenced>

… And when I marry her, I can always cheat on her, who cares? What could she do then?! She can’t do anything. And he’d raise his voice and get all macho on you. ‘I’m a man and I can do whatever I want.’ This is the man who has you as a safe bet.

But the man who’s afraid to lose you? That’s the man who loves you, mind and heart. Loves you and wants you and yearns for you and is not prepared under any circumstance to lose you. So, his phone calls will be many, his I love yous will be many, his checkins will be many, will buy you presents on occasions and for no reason, he waits for your phone call, he doesn’t leave you on seen and doesn’t reply for hours[long comical bit here about her trying to say it in Egyptian]… he cares about you and ask questions, ‘I want to see photos, show me where you’re at with your friends’, he doesn’t video call late at night.. he wants the video call during the day when you’re out and about. Even in an argument, you’ll call him once and he’ll call you once because he’s afraid to lose you.

So, if you’re in a lukewarm relationship [as I explained before], it’s because you’re a safe bet to him.

You seem to be a levelheaded and mature woman, so I’ve broken it down for you and I think you can see it for yourself. Ask yourself [which type is he?] Are you a safe logical bet to him or does he really love you? Will you agree to a ‘cerebral marriage’, a marriage based on logic, or do you want to love and be loved? But if you’re asking me, Radwa, I wouldn’t marry someone until I absolutely love him. Not just a mere love. I can’t make the decision about marriage until I love him from my very core. I have to love him mentally and from the heart, and I have to be sure that he loves me in the same way, he has to be convicted in that way. If I have even a speck of doubt then I won’t create that space in my life for a man. Neither will I force myself to love him because love cannot be forced.

You make that choice, you make that decision.

Do you want a cerebral marriage, marry based on logic? Or do you want to love and be loved?

Your choice, I just told you my opinion.”